Alright, i don't know what the fuck is going on with me lately, but for some reason I feel like i should be saying goodbye to everything...I'll think of something that makes me happy, something that means everything to me and I'm thankful that I have it in my life.  but all at the same time I know how soon it'll be gone, and right now there is honestly no one I can talk to who understands.  fuck, this is the worst feeling ever.  I know I've got it pretty good...but I feel like I couldn't be less happy...what is going on with me? maybe it's that, starting high school is just making me think of the fact that in four years, everyone is going to go seperate ways and end up just like their parents.  fuck that!  time needs to slow down and i need to stop and figure shit out.  i feel like i need to be alone for a while...or i feel that i am alone and i wish i wasn't...i can't tell.  sam left today and isn't getting back till like thursday.  i miss him already a ton, but if he was here, im not so sure how different it'd be.  it feels like im slowly getting thrown out of the loop and everyone knows whats going on but me...he'd be happier with someone else because god knows that i don't have a fucking thing to offer.

                      im so confused                                   ...whats going on..
               i mean...i love someone...                   but its harder than hell to con          -nect the way i wish we did......               i can't name one thing about him that
      i don't love to death...but i just know      that he doesn't feel that way, i even bug
     myself when i'm with him.the words "i love you" are so easy to say.and i mean them
     im being completely honest when i tell him that i love him, because i do, i LOVE sam.
    im in love with that guy. but inside i feel like he deserves so much better.  and im not
     bashing myself, im not trying to get pity or do some subliminal cry for help.  no thats
      not what this is about.  with high school starting, im just more scared than i've ever
      been, and it feels so good to be able to say, my boyfriend's going to grant too!....
       but once we get there? then what? its not going to automatically turn in to some
        really advanced relationship where we're over at each other's houses 24/7.  its
          not going to instantly perfect.  the last thing i want is for sam and i to break
            up.  thats the last thing that i want, ever.  someone better is going to find
              him, and he's going to realize that im not really that special. and its the
                truth.i'd do anything for sam, but he doesn't need me to do anything                   i don't know what he needs, i don't know what he wants.     and  i 
                    cant just ask..becuase that doesn't make sense, its not the right
                      way to show him how much i really love him.i have absolutely
                        no idea how i could make things better, or different and by
                          simply talking like this, im making everthing worse.  not
                            that its bad!how can being in love be bad?  is this even
                               about love? or is it just about me knowing how i'll
                                 never last because im terrible in relationships?
                                   i think i know what i want...but i realy dont
                                     and im the most  jelous  person    alive
                                       yeah everyone's noticed that by now
                                          other people's opinions are pretty
                                            mucuh worthless in a time like
                                               this because they're never
                                                 what you wan them to
                                                    be, becuase you wa
                                                      nt them to agree
                                                        and they just
                                                              don't


i can't even explain how much its going to kill me when everything changes  
by talking about it am i making it worse?  or am i just bracing myself so its easier when it actually happens?